Tuesday, February 1, 2011

can we?

when times that i was young, i have always wanted to be alone. a day without parents by my side, it just a bliss. i am a rebellion kid. i dont do things the way mom and dad wants. being the only child, i am at the center of the attention, i really hope that i get less attention.

Since coming to the states, i have 100% freedom. i stay alone, i cook myself. i basically can do everything that i cant do with my parents, i should be happy. but i miss them.

i used to ignore nags by mom. daddy bringing me to boring places, to the church. mom and dad saying no to everything. i hate being the center of attention. i hate mom and dad's quarrel.

i dont like a broken family. not being demanding, but why have me when you know there is a broken family. i grew up seeing parents fight all the time. frankly speaking, when i was younger, i cant make commitments in my relationships because i am afraid that it will turn out the way mommy and daddy's marriage. why i am rebellion, because i dont like being at home. because i dont know when, or how is the next big fight.

i miss my family. i miss my grumpy daddy and naggy mummy. if i can have a wish, i wish that they were never separated. i want a happy family where i can spend my saturday and sunday and all the public holidays in the world. i want a happy family that i can one day, bring my kids to play with. i want a family where i can take care of them when they are old. i want a family that i can pay for their traveling expenses.

i want to turn back time. back to when i was a kid. when daddy and mummy bring me to shopping, to the zoo. take care of me when i am sick, and love me for who i am. without a complete family, things will be different. there is no point of living, no point of doing anything... life will be bland

i remember the last time daddy and mummy quarreled. daddy brought me out and came back home. they started quarreling since mom came back. i cried in my room, and no i am not a small kid anymore. it is just i cant take it anymore. mom told me, everything will still be the same, i am a big girl already, i should understand. putting two person together will not do any good. that time, i feel like running away. running away from reality.

i remembered dreaming a few nights ago where daddy and mommy reunite, we were out shopping. although is not true, it is just a dream, i wake up feeling happy. like that was the best day in my life.

many times when i see people talking about their family, being with their family. i feel sad. its like a whole bucket pouring down from the sky. i always think, when can my family call a family?

i know mommy suffered alot in this relationship with daddy. and trying to give me the best. but, what's best for me is just a happy family. i dont want mommy to suffer anymore, but i want my family back! is there a way to do it?

or if i can have a wish that will definitely come true, i truly wish that daddy and mommy will reunite, stay together and let me take care of them together for the rest of their life. i am willing to forgo anything in exchange for that! even if it is taking my life away.

can we just erase bad memories of our family and start again as a new family?

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